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So I've lately been on a lovely date (due for a repeat on Monday), played gorgeous/thunderous/hilarious/many other kinds of -ous, especially ridiculous music with insanitypb , had fun playing chess with awesome peoples, and discovered my new favourite piano piece: Faure's Nocturne No. 1, which I am going to try insanely hard to learn.



(if you are going to listen to this, listen at least until 2:00)

So yeah. Life is good :)

Nov. 6th, 2010

I have, for a fair while, wondered why so many people identify as completely gay. I subscribe to the "everyone's a little bi" school of thought, in a way. I do believe that many people are so straight or gay as to be, for all intents and purposes, not bi, and I've understood that many people would identify as completely straight because there are some pretty hefty social norms and tabboos and jibes and all involved that one would have to get over to admit that one is in any way not straight. But I  never quite saw how that works for the surprisingly high gay:bi ratio (and when I say gay, I mean a complete 6 on the Kinsey scale). I know there's some pressure from certain parts of the gay community to say that people who are bi now will be gay later, and that a lot of people overreact against their former straight status and go all the way to the other side, but to me, I don't think that's enough to explain the facts.

I was thinking today about the fact that when I think of a hot guy or girl, I think sex, but when I think sex, I think hot girl, not hot guy. I consider myself about a 2 on the Kinsey scale, maybe a little higher, but my experience does not reflect that, almost 90% of the people I've been with have been women, and over 99% of the sex I've had has been with a woman.

Probably because:

1. There are more non-lesbian women than non-straight guys
2. I'm way more picky about guys (and there are way more awesome women than awesome guys)
3. All the guys I've been with have been once- or twice-offs.

As you can probably guess, that contributes significantly to my mental associations. Maybe this colours other people's judgements, and people who have a latent attraction to one gender will simply not explore it because of the natural course of their mental associations. That's my new theory - sleeping mostly with one gender is self-perpetuating.

Blah relationships

I had a little bit of a chat with my dad about relationships tonight - we have tended to do this when he gives me a lift back from my grandpa's after our semi-regular card night.

He's moved beyond sadness and waaaaay way into anger. It's a McCauley thing, I guess - I have to restrain my anger as much as possible when I get to this stage. But I'm glad for my dad, it's progress, he broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years earlier this year and hasn't been dealing well with the singledom or the sadness.

And he said something to me about him being so anger and having this seething bitterness that he dislikes about himself: bitterness is when you drink poison and hope the other person dies. And it's true, every time I've felt bitter, it's been exactly that. I'm sure some psychologist could point to a reason why we act like that. But I'm fairly proud of how much bitterness I've rid myself of in the last 3 years, most notably 3 particularly heinous ex-girlfriends, a crazy mother, an old best friend and several betrayals. It's not that these things don't make me upset if I dwell on them, it's just I feel the need to dwell on them strikes me very rarely, and I can talk about the things that have happened with much less passion - even remembering some of the good times associated more clearly.

This I am proud of, but it made me start thinking about other people and their thoughts of me. Out of all the people I have had a relationship of more than casual nature with:

-one avoids me at all costs, and still apparently badmouths me to mutual friends

-one seeks me out for chats online only to try to bring me down, and every time we've been among mutual friends since, she has tried to bring me down in front of them, and I've resorted to what amounts to blackmail really, in order to make her stop.

-one actively badmouths me still to anyone who will listen, often people who haven't even met me yet but know of me (found this out the most amusing way, through someone who absolutely did not believe a word she said, and was amused enough by it to try to properly meet me and find out the facts for herself)

-one is comparatively benign but still seems quite happy to be snide and rude to me in front of mutual friends

Only people with whom I've had a casual relationship seem to be willing to treat me at least as if I'm a human being instead of an emotional punching bag. I can't help but imagine that there are people out there who are drinking poison hoping I will die. I think this is very sad, and the best I have done to change it is simply not to drink poison myself. Often belatedly.

So I'm going to take the only step against it that I can. Normally I'm quite happy to let some things slide because it's easier that way. I don't think that's the right way to do things. I am going to try to call people on how they act towards me. If someone acts like they have a problem with me, I will confront them and force the issue out into the open - if it gets sorted out, great. If not, at least they know I have a problem with bitterness growing, and they can have a think about the toxic direction this is going. If I have a problem with someone, I'm not going to allow the seeds of resentment and bitterness take root, and I'm going to confront the issue at least, if not the person.

Let's see how well I do at this. I give me until the 2nd difficult problem.

tattoo

Now I'm not really a tattoo person, but I've had thoughts about it over the years. A tattoo of my LJ icon is something I would genuinely consider somewhere discreet, for example. But I've just come across a tattoo idea which, though it probably wouldn't work on many guys, and certainly not me, is possible from my perspective the sexiest tattoo possible.

Image under the cut is probably NSFW (not safe for work), it doesn't show any body parts, but is very clearly the back of a woman who is at least topless. So if your work/uni/grandma/whatever wouldn't like you looking at that kinda thing, don't look under the cut (or at least be careful)!

NSFWCollapse )

So, am I right or am I right?
Today, after rehearsal with the orchestra, I walked home, and on my way on O'Connell st, I saw a 2nd hand book/music/DVD store that I'd been intending to visit, since it was having a closing down sale of the "oh god, please just take it, we don't want all this stuff" variety, so I managed to get 5 good CDs (Mozart violin concerti, horn concerti, Saint-Saens random stuff, a clarinet CD and Sweeney Todd) and a copy of Myst for $17.50. And this made me muchos happy, so I had a celebratory yiros a little further on, and it was scrumptious!

Took lizziesilver back to the airport yesterday, after having her here for a few lovely days. *big hugs*

Was at anthraxia 's blacklight party (while Lizzie was busy marking papers), which was just aaaawesome! My fingers are still alternating green and yellow though, which is kinda ridiculous. Many glowingnesses of fun nature were had. I am bitterly disappointed that my piano belt and music tie don't show up under blacklight though :(

On Thursday night, I played at the chess night I organised for the uni club I'm part of in the chocolate bean, which was great fun. Dave (the other best player there, we're roughly equal in ability and results) and I analysed a couple of the just past world championship's games (and by the way, go Anand! I'm glad Topalov didn't win, he's an arrogant shite), then played a game ourselves. It was much shorter than I expected, and rather special really. Here is a blow by blow:
I am a chess nerdCollapse )

So, with that theme of a pawn checkmating the king, I almost wish I had gone to Ross' communist party and regaled tales of my grunt's journey of heroism in the face of the greedy capitalist white, but I was having too much fun at anthraxia 's

What else? There was an AUCS concert recently, which was much better than I thought it would be. I especially enjoyed doing "mystery" with eledhwen_20 and the dramatic reading of "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" with Emily!

Easterfest was fucking awesome, I got to meet so many lovelies, and got to be silly and nerdy.

That'll do for now, methinks, my long-neglected livejournal friends!
I know everyone (well, everyone from choir) is doing that "what would you do with me if you had me locked in your house for 24 hours and I had to do everything you wanted me to" thing, but I think that's silly. If there's something you wanted to do with me, and you don't think I'd want do it and would require the condition of being locked in a house and forced to obey commands, I doubt you'd tell me about some hypothetical scenario where you'd be forcing me to do something I didn't want to.

And if you did think I'd want to do it, just do it already! If you aren't sure, that sounds like a touchy situation that you wouldn't be willing to identify yourself as having, and if someone decided to answer anonymously with this kind of situation, frankly, that's annoying, and I don't want to know.

So anyway. If we were in the real world (weird, huh?) and both of us could mutually decide to do something we both found agreeable (again, weird, huh?) what do you think it would it be?

Comments will not be screened (if it's so private, make it a message, not a comment), and anonymous comments will be deleted unread.
On a certain dating website (of which I am a member because while sex is all good, I haven't had a proper relationship in almost 2 years), two (claiming to be) straight males started talking to me at the same time, and then started hitting on me (or trying to anyway, in a nauseating way). Immediately I knew something fishy was up, so I decided to mock the shit out of them. I enjoyed it. It's really long, so:

cut for lengthCollapse )

Fuck Pascal

Pascal said that it is better to believe in god because if you are wrong, you lose nothing and if you are right, you gain everything. I want to show my own opinion on this matter.

God exists, or not, and neither can be proven. God is either benevolent or malevolent.

My wager is that it is best to be a good person, and believe in whatever seems to you the most likely, so long as it doesn't lead you to stop being good in any way.

Taking my wager, if there is no god, you live a good life and you can ask little more than that.

If there is a malevolent god, he probably doesn't care much whether you believed in him or not, he's likely to be just as malevolent to you when you come to his afterlife.

If there is a benevolent god, he probably cares less about whether you believe in him than about how good a life you've led. If he actually does care more about whether you believe than about how good you were as a person on earth, he is not benevolent, he is malevolent.

Whether god is benevolent or malevolent, he would likely be angered by anyone taking pascal's wager in an attempt to believe in god without conviction just to curry favour with a god that they hope exists. He may send such a one to the deepest hells.

All in all, live a good life and believe what you like.
 So, I've been meaning to get a new HD for a while. I'd also been meaning to install the windows 7 RC sometime. On monday, my computer gave me a black screen with a cursor when I tried to start windows, so I figured this was a good a time as any. XP had been stuffing up for a while too, so I wasn't too sad to see it go, though I might reinstall it on a partition of my old drive (along with linux and possible a version of windows old enough to run dos, but probably not). And I might have to reinstall it anyway, since I might not be willing to pay for the proper version before the shutdowns start in March, and may not find a non-shutdown-y version.

Went through some craziness, what with not being able to access my files on my old HD for a while due to some weird permissions thing going on, and three separate downloads of audio drivers managing to give me errors when installing, but I managed to get through on both fronts :D also, yay windows 7!

I realised today that the year I finished school and the year I started are both palindromes. Kinda cool. I only know one other person who can also say that (it requires you to have graduated in 2002 and to have skipped a year at some point). </nerd>

In the time I spent not having my computer for entertainment, I looked at some old videos I had around, and found one I forgot I had: a concert of the Labeque sisters (pianist sisters), playing in an open-air concert in amsterdam: first the petit suite by debussy, then some west side story transcriptions, then carnival of the animals, with some friends.

I forgot how much I loved that. I was hoping I could find that concert on youtube, but no luck. I may have to find someone with a setup that can capture VCR and turn it digital, because it's kinda special really. Let me explain.

1. Two top class musicians (and later on, their friends) playing wonderful music, in...
2. An open air concert in Amsterday (this appeals to me muchly)
3. The performers are clearly loving every moment, especially Katia, who sings along with some of the Bernstein and flourishes and totally rocks along with the big chords
4. When they do carnival of the animals, they bring out STUFFED TOYS! How many times do you get serious classical musicians doing that?
5. They don't play carnival of the animals even REMOTELY straight, they interpret it the way they think will be the most fun, and it works brilliantly!
6. Katia's really kinda gorgeous... She's about 50 in the concert, and proof that women can age like fine wines too. Also, she made a rock band called "B is for Bang". I just found this out. I sorta love her even more now.


I really don't like the idea of people being notified when I look at their journal, nor do I really care who looks at mine (and really, why would I want people to worry about whether I can see them looking at my journal?). So I turned that option off, but I'd be interested to hear other people's opinions on the matter.

Today I pulled a sickie. I was up 'till 4 last night coughing (and watching movies, since I wasn't able to go to sleep anyway), and though I was a lot better in the morning, I was still pretty shit. Ah well.

I have been arguing on an okcupid forum thread where some people are trying to rationalise their bestiality. It wasn't so much the bestiality that got me annoyed (yeah, it's rape and animal abuse, and frankly, psychologically unhealthy, but it happens and will continue happening), but more the way they argued. Some people seem to think quoting the name of a logical fallacy is all they need to do in arguments. IT makes me want to write a logical fallacy FAQ:

logical fallacy FAQCollapse )

So anyway... Monday I went to chess and played the new guy that's been beating everyone else. We played two games, in the first he was easily winning, but overlooked a one move checkmate, so I managed a lucky win there. In the second game, we played an extremely close game - I'd say I had the advantage for most of it, but I didn't quite manage to convert that to a win. It was definitely the best draw I'd played. So my semaphore chess champ status is safe for another week. I'll admit he's probably got more skills than me, but I'm more savvy, so it's probably pretty even altogether.

AUCS - I'm taking this concert off. I've already missed a shitton of rehearsals, camp, and my voice still is only maybe 70%.

Last thing - the table tennis team I coach won on Friday 24-0. I was so proud :D There was only really one close game, with my most inconsistent player, but he won his next game easily.