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On a certain dating website (of which I am a member because while sex is all good, I haven't had a proper relationship in almost 2 years), two (claiming to be) straight males started talking to me at the same time, and then started hitting on me (or trying to anyway, in a nauseating way). Immediately I knew something fishy was up, so I decided to mock the shit out of them. I enjoyed it. It's really long, so:

rukusbrendan says:
hey chief
Llamalland says:
evenin'
Llamalland says:
how's it going?
rukusbrendan says:
mornin haha
rukusbrendan says:
good and u
Llamalland says:
it's not morning until the sun rises again, in my world
Llamalland says:
pretty good
rukusbrendan says:
true, its not mornin til me and johnson rise either i say@
rukusbrendan says:
what u doin 2day sexy man
rukusbrendan says:
i see u like women and u like men
rukusbrendan says:
have u had a boyfriend b4
Llamalland says:
wondering why someone that is listed as straight would call me sexy, that's what I'm doing right now
rukusbrendan says:
hey just cos it aint on here doesnt mean i dnt like the forbidden fruits... or frank n beans.. i love my share
Llamalland says:
no, no serious relationship with a guy yet
rukusbrendan says:
any sexy fun with a dude?
Llamalland says:
I find it's better to be open and frank about such things. And I don't know why homosexuality should be a forbidden fruit.
rukusbrendan says:
i agree dude
rukusbrendan says:
im gona be open and honest with u... atm im single and my big black dildo gets such a pounding numerous times a day. i wish i had some real meat
rukusbrendan says:
just a man to sink my teeth into like a wild animal rahhhh!!
Llamalland says:
no, that's not open or honest, that's just you stroking your *ahem* ego. Also, dildos don't get poundings, that makes no sense
rukusbrendan says:
what do u mean they dont get poundings... when i shove the knob end up my tight arse i pound the fuck outa it dude.. u should know this if ur really bi
rukusbrendan says:
i dnt think u r.... ur just bi curious
Llamalland says:
no. A dildo does not get a pounding, a dildo *gives* a pounding
Llamalland says:
get it right
rukusbrendan says:
oh well sorry man i didnt know u were so technically correct.. that is a sexy attribute to a mans personality mmm so hot
Llamalland says:
and being randomly fawned over and propositioned by a guy that doesn't really seem to know whether he's straight or bi or gay, isn't honest about it, and thinks homosexuality is forbidden fruit - damn that just makes me so hot
Llamalland says:
hope sarcasm turns you on too, and being mocked
rukusbrendan says:
mate, im just a squirrel tryin to get a nut.. i use this site to meet sexy, smart girls AND guys... i havent come out the closet yet its kinda embarrasing ur mocking me
Llamalland says:
poor kiddo. You'll survive, and someone has to say these things to you, or you'll never learn
rukusbrendan says:
true, and im glad such a sexy man said it to me.. ur pic is making me so hard
rukusbrendan says:
keen to catch up some time?
rukusbrendan says:
u can teach me the ins and outs of butt secks... ive always wanted an older man to teach me
Llamalland says:
you know what? You should talk to fraggle87. I don't want to meet you though, no. But you too will get along great, in fact you guys are so similar I suspect you're the same person using different profiles and pictures
Llamalland says:
but if you aren't, you guys will get along like a house on fire!
rukusbrendan says:
i did a search for him.. he looks cute!!
rukusbrendan says:
have u guys fucked???
rukusbrendan says:
is that why wed get along
Llamalland says:
no, he and you just started talking to me tonight
rukusbrendan says:
i have a great idea...we could all meet up for a 3 sum!!!! ill add him n get to kno him a bit b4 asking
Llamalland says:
no, I think if I went to anything like that, I would meet with either one or two guys, none of which I'd want to sleep with. But you guys go right ahead without me!
rukusbrendan says:
why not at least sleep with me?? i have a good size package
rukusbrendan says:
and i wana taste ur meat dude
Llamalland says:
well we all want some things we can't have
rukusbrendan says:
why are u on this website for ??
Llamalland says:
I am on this site to meet people and become friends with them, and if it leads to more, ok. Not to have random guys proposition me.
rukusbrendan says:
i just want u to fuck my tight brown virgin ring dude.. if ur truely bi youd accept my offer for a few beers.. ill get u drunk then u can bang me
Llamalland says:
Yeah, of course, all bi guys just can't resist any other guys that show an interest.
Llamalland says:
I am bi, I just have taste
rukusbrendan says:
are u saying im ugly..
Llamalland says:
no, you're just a wanker
rukusbrendan says:
ur right.. i could give u a good hand job too if ur keen
rukusbrendan says:
beat u off in 4 mins flat baby ohhh
rukusbrendan says:
ull be blowin everywhere all over me
Llamalland says:
you know what you could do? Give fraggle87 a handjob.
Llamalland says:
bet he'd love it
rukusbrendan says:
hes prob got a bigger cock then u honey
Llamalland says:
I mean, doing it all alone isn't as fun, but it's better than being mocked all the time, isn't it?
Llamalland says:
also, you're bragging about 4 minutes? You have to be kidding.
rukusbrendan says:
the only person being mocked is you dickhead lol
rukusbrendan says:
this chat has been logged idiot lmao its being sent in to a magazine which i will not be telling u the name of haha
Llamalland says:
that's ok, I've already sent copies of both conversations I've had with you to everyone on my mailing list
rukusbrendan says:
lmao the jokes on you cock head hahahhahaha
Llamalland says:
sure it is. *I'm* the joke. You go on thinking that
rukusbrendan says:
lol ur a bi sexual faggot nerd
rukusbrendan says:
mate u should kill urself u look like tom green for fuck sakes
Llamalland says:
and you have tried to chat up this "bisexual faggot nerd" and been completely humiliated in rejection.
rukusbrendan says:
mate im straight as... you are the joke. nothing better than taking the piss out of pathetic losers on here hahahah
Llamalland says:
so you, a straight person, decided to chat up a guy and failed - on two seperate accounts. Yeah, I'm the pathetic one
rukusbrendan says:
on two seperate accounts? nahh me and my mate just find pathetic lookin gay cunts n fat ugly chicks to chat up for our own entertainment bhahahaha
Llamalland says:
oh. That's even more pathetic! I thought you were both one person, but you aren't! And that probably means you're using your own pictures!
rukusbrendan says:
wow u are so fucking smart!!!!
Llamalland says:
and you're calling me ugly!
rukusbrendan says:
im calling u hideous dude.. you look like tom green HAHAHAHAH
Llamalland says:
there aren't even words to describe how pathetic this is. How do you survive looking in the mirror?
rukusbrendan says:
quite easy.. i just buy a new one every time it breaks
Last message: 12 January 2010 1:30
rukusbrendan is offline. You can still send this person messages and and they will receive them the next time they are online.







fraggle87 says:
hello hello
fraggle87 says:
how are you
fraggle87 says:
u there sexy
Last message: 12 January 2010 0:42
Llamalland says:
internet went funny for a sec
fraggle87 says:
lol what u up too>>
Llamalland says:
just playing internet chess
fraggle87 says:
nice u winning
Llamalland says:
so are you actually interested in men? and if so, why not say so on your profile?
fraggle87 says:
just want to try some new things
fraggle87 says:
its true that over 80% of men are bi u know
fraggle87 says:
what u looking for
fraggle87 says:
i want to be fucked in the ass
Llamalland says:
you should probably find a strapon for that. Plenty of straight guys want to be fucked in the ass.
fraggle87 says:
no i want a man to do it
fraggle87 says:
and i like the look of you
fraggle87 says:
if i wanted a strapon or a dildo i would still be wit my ex
fraggle87 says:
so u up for it
Llamalland says:
no
Llamalland says:
I don't sleep with internet randoms
fraggle87 says:
well i wont be just a random nighter
fraggle87 says:
i will be random nights
Llamalland says:
no, I didn't say "I don't have random one nighters"
Llamalland says:
I have them all the time, with people I actually know in person
Llamalland says:
I just said I don't sleep with internet randoms
fraggle87 says:
well well i guess we will hav to meet
Llamalland says:
no, we won't. But maybe you should talk with rukusbrendan, you'll get along with him like a house on fire
fraggle87 says:
he is cute
fraggle87 says:
is he gay??
Llamalland says:
he's at least as gay as you are
fraggle87 says:
??
fraggle87 says:
just wants to try
fraggle87 says:
so u dont want to meet me
fraggle87 says:
if u dont want internet guys why u online
fraggle87 says:
u are such a tease
Llamalland says:
yes, I am a tease because I dare to be on the internet but have the gall to reject an internet random that propositions me
Llamalland says:
I am on this site to meet people and become friends with them, and if it leads to more, ok. Not to have random guys proposition me.
Llamalland says:
But you are right, I am a tease, clearly, because I haven't put on my profile "don't message me asking for random sex"
fraggle87 says:
all i want is some of ur cock ur hotstuff and u turn me on i didnt even read ur profile i just like ur pic
Llamalland says:
and all I want it to mock you and be sarcastic. Unfortunately, only one of us will get what we want
fraggle87 says:
well u miss out pretty boy
Llamalland says:
not really, I'm enjoying the mocking a lot, and I almost certainly get laid more than you
fraggle87 says:
ahahahahaha
fraggle87 says:
ur being sarcastic again as if u get laid more than me
Llamalland says:
I do. Because I'm intelligent, witty and attractive, and know how to flirt without being nauseating.
fraggle87 says:
hahahahahaha
fraggle87 says:
u are nauseating go play ur chess
Llamalland says:
aaah, now that you're certain you're rejected, you feel like being agressive
fraggle87 says:
no no
fraggle87 says:
ur not witty ur just a prik no need to be an ass
Llamalland says:
sore loser
fraggle87 says:
no ur the one that is going to be the loser in the long run bet ur shit in the sack anyway
fraggle87 says:
ur not even hot
fraggle87 says:
u look like a nerd
fraggle87 says:
with a weird shaped head
fraggle87 says:
big nose and shit hair
Llamalland says:
oh nooooo, the random internet person doesn't like the way I look. I guess I'll just have to fuck away the pain.
fraggle87 says:
hhahahahaha
fraggle87 says:
got ur pump out for ur blow up doll???
fraggle87 has removed you from their contacts. You can no longer send any messages to this member.

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
Ok, even I find that amusing :P

Also is an amusing username for those who know you :P
*hugs*
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
Oh, and also 'cut for length'? Wow I have an evil mind ;P
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:14 am (UTC)
.... I think you just beat me in mind-dirtiness! I'm not that surprised (it is you, afterall), but I'm certainly impressed!
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:31 am (UTC)
What you tryin to say, boy? :P

I'm all innocent ;)
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:52 am (UTC)
you can't fool me, girlie :P
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:56 am (UTC)
oh, really? damn ;P
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:09 am (UTC)
heehee :D I am glad I picked that name. It may have to become a regular screen name for me.
canadian_kazz
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:03 am (UTC)
Wow... stupid people are stupid. Amazing how you can go from sexy to ugly just by saying 'no'
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:13 am (UTC)
It's worse if you're a girl, I've seen people post pretty funny exchanges. My favourite is when some guy propositions a girl, she says no, and he calls her an ugly slut.

To which the obvious answer is "right, so you were trying to hit on someone you think is ugly. And I'm a slut because I won't sleep with you. smart fella". But somehow this happens pretty often. Maybe they don't know any other insults other than "ugly" and "slut"
canadian_kazz
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:15 am (UTC)
Or 'fag' despite the fact that they were asking you for buttsex.

I also wanna add that reading your writing is so much better than reading theirs. Chatspeak like theirs would be a turn off for me.
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
Oh, it is for me too. I was going to mock them on their chatsp33k too, but I never got around to it. There was just too much to mock!
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:33 am (UTC)
you're forgetting the reason for their only insults being 'ugly' and 'slut' - their tiny, tiny, tiny...brains ;P
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:51 am (UTC)
Ahahah :D

did you see where I said "no, that's just you stroking your *ahem* ego"?
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:55 am (UTC)
eheheh. Yeah...he didn't seem actually understand that, which in itself amuses me...

Also "and all I want it to mock you and be sarcastic. Unfortunately, only one of us will get what we want" was a good one ;P
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:17 am (UTC)
:D that was one of my favourites!
anthraxia
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:16 am (UTC)
You don't get hit on in pubs much, do you? ;)
canadian_kazz
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:19 am (UTC)
No, I don't. I don't go to pubs except for in a group on one of the rare pub crawls I'll go on.

I don't think I've ever been hit on by a stranger in a pub or bar... ever. At least, not so I'd notice.
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:32 am (UTC)
You're not missing much :P
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:37 am (UTC)
It is quite amusing to be hit on at the bar until your boyfriend walks up behind you. They shut up quite quickly after that ;P

But no, you're not missing out on much dear *huggles*
badylugz
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:13 am (UTC)
Or girlfriend. That's even funnier.
insanitypb
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:14 am (UTC)
true true ;)
schultzie42
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:10 am (UTC)
AAAAAAAAhahaha.

People are so stupid sometimes. High comedy, that. Thanks for sharing :)
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:18 am (UTC)
:D that was what I was referencing with my facebook status about mocking dipshits, that you commented on :)
badylugz
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
zomg I think I love you. That is a classy way to handle a wanker or two. Amusing as well!
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:19 am (UTC)
Thanks - I'm glad it's amused so many people!
(Deleted comment)
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
*even bigger huggles back* thanks! You're awesome too :)
janie_fairy
Jan. 12th, 2010 02:08 pm (UTC)
that was awesome!

I have the chat set to permenantly offline and ignore and block any person who propersitions me. But you had WAY more fun. Id really love to email the first guy and say "OMG I read about this exchange between you and a guy in a magazine... YOURE GAY???? WHAT A LOOSER! And I was thinking about asking you to meet up so we could fuck"

ahaha...

*sigh*
schubomb
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
This is actually oasisactive, not okcupid. And I don't usually chat to the fuckwits, but this time was just so deliciously tempting that I had to!

I like how he threatened to publish it in a magazine too. I mean, frankly, he'd be doing me a favour!
(Deleted comment)
schubomb
Apr. 26th, 2010 08:31 am (UTC)
Yays, yet more people it's entertained!
starblydsneetch
Jul. 9th, 2011 01:28 pm (UTC)
lol! freaking weirdos. i like how he said you have a funny shaped head at the end as a last ditch effort at insulting you :P
schubomb
Jul. 9th, 2011 01:42 pm (UTC)
I know! It was oh so crushing! How could I live with myself after a stranger told me that I have a funny shaped head? :P
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )